


Ecdysis

by macrauchenia



Series: Metamorphosis Quartet [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Character Development, Family, Friendship, Gen, Guess what?!, Humor, It's Shirazu's turn, Metamorphosis Quartet, Mystery, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7286713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macrauchenia/pseuds/macrauchenia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What’s the difference between a ghoul and a human?” Hide asked, his expression a blank slate.<br/>Shirazu thought about Nutcracker, who only wanted to be human, and about his CCG superiors, who only wanted bloodshed. They shared the same heartbeat, the same desire to thrive.<br/>“I thought I used to know.”<br/>“I’m not sure if I ever knew,” Hide admitted after another lengthy pause. “Or maybe I never cared enough to make a distinction.” </p><p>[After running into a certain blond waiter, Shirazu can no longer ignore the shrinking distinction between his definition of ghouls and humans] </p><p>[2/4 in the Metamorphosis Quartet]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ecdysis

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Not a thing.  
>  **Fic Timeline:** This takes place right after the "Auction" arc.
> 
>  **Author's Note:** Oooooh man. You guys wanted a sequel to "Chrysalis" and here it is. I was about halfway through when *something we won't talk about* happened and working on this became too painful. Shirazu is my favorite Quinx member, so I really hope I can do him justice. His trauma and indecision from Nuts was so painful.
> 
> There will be two more in this installment. If you haven't read "Chrysalis" first, it isn't crucial, but it helps.
> 
> * * *

* * *

_Ecdysis_ (noun): the process of shedding the old skin or casting off the outer layer in preparation for new growth

* * *

_"Urrrrie! Urie!"_

Urie inhaled deeply, clamped his eyes shut, and wished with every fiber in his being that the idiot would find someone else to annoy _._ When he slowly opened his eyes, he realized that his wish had gone unanswered; the other Quinx hovered directly in his line of vision, settling down in the chair across from him.

"Hey, did you hear me?"

Urie pretended he didn't.

"Hey! I can't hear anything coming from your headphones right now, so I _know_ you can hear me."

_Damn him and his hearing._

_(Why couldn't my developed sensitivity have been more useful like hearing or sight?)_

Likening the action to ripping off a stubborn bandage, Urie pulled the headphones from his ears and shot Shirazu a sour glare. The sooner the idiot finished his babbling, the sooner he would leave him alone.

"What?"

"I was _saying_ that you would never guess who I ran into today at the music store."

"Tell me then."

" _Guess!"_

"I give up."

_Do I look like I care about your personal life?_

_(Let me get back to mine.)_

Shirazu frowned at Urie's refusal to play along, but the latter hardly cared.

"Well, do you remember that one waiter from that coffee shop you always run off to?" Urie stiffened. Of _course,_ he remembered. "Y'know, the young blond guy—not the hot chick?"

"Yeah?"

Urie tried not to let any emotion slip past his unconcerned façade. What emotion? It was hard to tell. Perhaps anger or—more likely—irritation.

(But definitely some curiosity too.)

Shirazu's eager expression fell at Urie's unrelenting blank stare. It seemed obvious to Urie that Shirazu had been hoping for some reaction other than bland disapproval.

"I mean, I saw him at the music store I always visit—you know, the one down the street—and he suggested a few really cool bands. Honestly, I think you two would have a lot in common if you ever wanted to talk to someone about music."

_Seriously?_

"So?" Urie waited for the inevitable part of Shirazu's story that always made him cringe internally.

"Uh, so, I was wondering if you knew him or something. We didn't talk much about the team, 'cause, y'know, _confidentiality_ ," Shirazu stage-whispered, tucking a hand to his cheek in a mock gesture of secrecy, "but he did ask about how you were doing. I figured it wouldn't hurt to tell him since you two are frie—"

Urie interrupted Shirazu with a strained smile.

"No, I don't know him. I don't even know how he knows my name."

 _I bet that prying idiot would_ love _to know how things are going._

( _I haven't been to :RE in quite some time. I do miss the coffee…)_

"Oh," Shirazu glanced away and scratched the back of his head. "I thought—well, it doesn't matter anyway." He stood up with a grunt, pushing the dining room chair back under the table. Urie exhaled a sigh of relief as Shirazu moved towards the hallway.

Shirazu paused before glancing back over his shoulder at Urie. "He seemed like a cool guy. Who knows—maybe I'll run into him again." He shrugged and rolled his eyes towards the ceiling: a nonverbal _whatever._

With an arched eyebrow, Urie watched Shirazu disappear around the corner, shouting for Mutsuki.

_I probably should warn him._

_(He can figure it out on his own.)_

* * *

"Hey!"

Shirazu glanced up from the album back he had been studying.

"It's Shirazu, right? Ginshi Shirazu?"

Shirazu swiveled his head, trying to catch whoever had called his name. The voice had sounded familiar—kind, excited. He doubted it was someone from the CCG.

A blond head bobbed into his line of vision, complete with a wide smile.

_Oi! It's the waiter from :rRE again!_

"I almost didn't recognize you! You cut off all your hair!" The waiter laughed, gesturing over his own eyes and mirroring Shirazu's wire rimmed glasses. "I didn't know you wore glasses either."

"Oh…uh…" Shirazu paused, his fingertips tentatively touching the bottom rim. Saiko and Urie had mocked him for looking ridiculous earlier that morning, but he hadn't been able to find his missing contact solution.

"Yeah, you looked so professional I didn't want to bother you. Thought maybe you were on a super secret mission or something."

"Really?" Shirazu dropped his hand and smiled wider. "You think so?"

 _I_ told _them the glasses made me look more like a squad leader._

"Definitely." The waiter's eyes slid down to the album gripped in Shirazu's hands. "Ahh, so you're a fan of them too?"

"Ehh, not really. Urie really likes their music though. Sassan thought it might be nice to pick up something for the squad in time for the holidays."

"Sassan? Oh! You mean Sasaki?" The waiter's brown eyes crinkled as his grin stretched further across his lips. "How is your squad? You're the squad leader, right?"

Shirazu opened his mouth to answer before clamping it closed. He considered his earlier conversation with Urie.

_He knows a lot about us. Sassan too. Urie said they don't know each other, but how would he know about us if they weren't friends?_

Shirazu paused, thinking back to Urie's dour expression and stony silence.

_Well, Urie really isn't the best at making friends._

He scanned the waiter, eyes traveling from his relaxed civilian clothes to his bright smile. Shirazu took another moment to hear the man's calm, soft heartbeat.

_He looks pretty harmless. It can't hurt to be friendly._

Shirazu smiled back. "Sassan is doing great! We had a mission a few days ago and—uh…" He broke off, suddenly struck by haunting images of Nutcracker's gaunt, sightless stare. He reached up to run a nervous hand through his hair, but stopped when his fingers brushed against sharp bristles.

"Yeah, the mission went well."

If the waiter noticed a shift in Shirazu's composure, he didn't mention it. Instead his eyes dropped back to the CD clutched in Shirazu's white-knuckled grip.

"So, you said you were shopping for Urie?"

Shirazu released a rueful bark of laughter, grateful for the distraction. "Ha, yeah. Easier said than done." Shirazu shook his head before setting the case back on the display. He brushed his sweaty fingers against the side of his jeans, leaving a tiny stain.

"Urie's impossible to shop for," he continued to complain, adding an affectionate roll of the eye.

_Finding something for his birthday was absolute hell._

"You're certainly right about that. Hmm, yes, it is hard to figure out what he's thinking sometimes." The waiter made a knowing sound in the back of his throat, further convincing Shirazu that he and Urie clearly had some secret past.

 _I wish I knew more about this guy. Urie wouldn't even tell me his name._ He slowly moved his gaze back towards the rows of CDs. _Maybe he could help me pick something out._

 _Now, I wonder if Urie would like thi—_ Shirazu froze and retracted his fingers. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the blond pucker his lips and consider another CD.

 _Wait. I don't even know_ his _name_. _That's strange…_

"Uhh, that reminds me—" Shirazu turned to face the waiter. "I don't think you ever introduced yourself."

He blinked once and then twice before letting out an unrestrained peal of laughter.

"I didn't? That's very rude of me." The waiter scanned Shirazu's face with a calculating brown stare. After a moment, he relaxed.

"My name's Nagachika Hideyoshi, but please call me Hide."

"Hide?" Somehow the name seemed familiar. _Maybe Urie did let it slip and I never remembered…_

"Yep! Nice to officially meet you," Hide grinned. "This was so much easier than introducing myself to your partner."

"Uhh, yeah?" Shirazu echoed, eyebrow cocked with parted lips. _What? Oh, right. He must mean Urie._ Shirazu considered Hide's bright and charismatic attitude and Urie's scathing scowl. _They probably didn't hit it off right away._

"Anyway, I think it's rather odd that Sasaki sent you to buy something for the rest of your squad when his birthday is just around the corner."

Shirazu frowned, wracking his brain for his mental calendar. _No, that isn't right. Sassan's birthday isn't in December._

"How d—" Shirazu narrowed his eyes and licked his dry lips. The hairs on the back of his neck prickled as he considered the stranger in front of him.

_That's weird that he mentioned that… Was this why Urie didn't want to talk about him?_

A faint, tinny sound beeped between them. Hide gave a little jump before checking his phone. "Oops! Sorry to interrupt, but I have to get to work!" He pressed a CD case into Shirazu's palms before darting out the door.

"For Sasaki, you may want to look invest in a book instead of music. I heard that Takatsuki Sen came out with a new book recently."

 _Wha…?_ Before Shirazu could contradict him, Hide was gone.

_That was weird._

He sighed and glanced down at the CD in his hands before shuffling towards the counter.

* * *

Urie's eyebrows darted upwards as the CD case clattered on the counter in front of him.

"Huh?" He looked up from his freshly brewed cup of coffee in time to catch Shirazu bodily hurl himself into the couch.

"Uggh…" Shirazu's groan was highly undescriptive, smothered by the couch cushion. Urie rolled his eyes and reached for the CD.

_(Did he get this for me?)_

_(I heard this group was kind of cool…)_

"I don't know what to do." The words sounded muffled and exhausted. Urie studied him with an unamused expression.

_I don't think he even expects me to answer anymore. He's going to keep bitching until he's hoarse._

Urie sighed, knowing he would regret this later.

"What?"

Shirazu's head immediately poked up from his pillow nest. He gawked at Urie as if he had grown an extra head.

_Tch. I should have let him suffocate on his own drool instead of answering._

"What," Urie clarified, "the hell is wrong with _you?_ "

Shirazu shook his head numbly, too startled by the day's strange events to comprehend everything at once.

_First that thing with Hide and now Urie initiates a conversation? Am I losing my mind?_

"Uh… Nothing really. I ran into the waiter from :RE again. Y'know, Hide?"

"Yeah?" Urie eyed him carefully.

_Damn. Nagachika got to him fast._

_(I should have warned him.)_

"Anyway, he asked me again about the Quinx squad and Sassan. Then the weirdest thing happened—he told me Sassan's birthday was coming up, but I know that's not true, because his birthday is in April."

"So, it was weird, first of all that this guy seemed so sure to know Sassan's birthday, but he was really off."

"Did you tell Nagachika tha—"

"Wait a second!" Shirazu narrowed his eyes and slid off the couch. He scuttled towards Urie, watching him with the same suspicious frown. "You just said Nagachika! I only called him 'Hide.'"

Urie's eyebrows darted upwards again, surprised twice in a short span of time by Shirazu's actions and inductions.

_I didn't expect him to catch that._

_(Impressive…for him.)_

"You lied when you said you didn't know his name. You _so_ know him better than you said you did!" Shirazu gloated, crossing his arms with a smug smile.

Urie's face twisted into an unhappy snarl. Shirazu snared him, but there wasn't much he could do to wiggle out of the trap.

"So what?" he snapped back. "I know his name. Big _deal._ He knows a lot more about us—all of us, including Sasaki. In fact, he knows more about our _supervisor_ than any of us do."

Shirazu blinked, startled by Urie's words. "Uh, but he didn't know Sassan's birthday, right?"

"Are you sure?"

Urie's scowl deepened as he glanced at the lukewarm coffee steaming in his cup. _Whoever Sasaki was before, he must have had a different birthday. Of course Nagachika would know when it was._

 _How_ cute. _Nagachika's making sure everyone gets a gift._

(Urie wasn't particularly surprised. It seemed like a very _Hide_ thing to do.)

"I don't know what you mean…"

"Didn't it ever occur to you how strange it was? Some random guy from a _coffee shop_ comes and introduces himself and seems to know Sassa—er, Sasaki's—birthday? He _knows_ stuff about us that he shouldn't."

Shirazu frowned. The thought had occurred to him, but not enough to make him wary. _At least, not until he mentioned Sassan's birthday._

Urie uttered a harsh bark of laughter before leaning back against his chair. "Don't you understand? Nagachika played you too to get more information about Sasaki."

_Played me too—wait…what? Why does he want to know about Sassan?_

Shirazu's brow scrunched as he tried to reason out the latest developments. Taking Shirazu's silence as a sign to leave, Urie stood up and grabbed his cup. He hesitated for a moment before pinching the CD between his free fingers and disappearing down the hall.

Shirazu drew his lips into a thoughtful pucker.

_So, Hide tricked me to find out more about Sassan? Well, two can play at that game._

* * *

After muddling through their conversation again, Shirazu realized how much Urie's words had stung.

_He said that Hide…manipulated me. That he was able to use me to get more information._

_He seemed so nice, but was that an act?_

Shirazu frowned and propped a cheek up with a balled fist. He drummed his slender fingers against the polished tabletop, waiting for his quarry to appear.

"What can I get for yo—oh, hello, Shirazu-kun!"

Shirazu smiled thinly at Hide's cheery attitude, knowing very well what could lurk below.

 _If_ Urie _was wary of him, then I have to be cautious. Still…_ Shirazu suppressed a nervous giggle as Hide stumbled in his enthusiastic gamboling. _He looks pretty harmless._

 _But appearances can be deceiving,_ Shirazu reminded himself. The cold shiver that ran up his spine felt out of place in the warm coffee shop.

_(I wanted to be beautiful.)_

Hide stopped in front of his table, a stained washcloth hanging over his bent elbow.

"I'm sorry about running out on you a few days ago. Touka-chan would kill me if I missed another shift."

"Not a problem," Shirazu smiled back, absently wondering if Touka-chan was the hot barista. He certainly hoped so.

"Did Urie like the CD?" Hide's eyes crinkled, almost as if he were waiting to hear the punch line of a secret joke.

Shirazu nodded. Urie's feigned indifference was no match for Shirazu's sensitive hearing. He could hear the muted tones buzzing through Urie's door whenever he went for a midnight bathroom run.

"Yeah, I think so. He didn't say much, but ehh…" Shirazu shrugged in a "what can ya do" kind of way.

"Great." Hide tore his gaze from Shirazu as the sound of the _ting_ of the doorbell rang throughout the shop.

"I have a few minutes left in my shift, but if you don't mind waiting, we can finish what we were chatting about in the music store."

Despite the flutter in his stomach, Shirazu fixed Hide with a forced smile. "Sounds good!" he managed in a cheery tone. It sounded so fake to him; Hide must've been able to see through it.

Internally, he was churning. Although Hide wasn't a dangerous ghoul and he wasn't dressed in his bulky Quinx uniform, Shirazu couldn't help but compare the looming conversation to an official mission.

_Urie doesn't think I'm smart enough to come up with a plan, but I bet he never tried spying on him from inside the coffee shop._

He watched Hide bustle around the coffee shop, taking orders and pouring drinks with the same infectious smile. He rehearsed his plan continuously in his mind, careful not to forget any important detail.

_I can't let him know that I know that he knows who I a—crap! I just made things worse._

_Urgh…_ Shirazu rubbed at his eyes before closing them. He tried to clear his mind and focus on the sounds surrounding him instead. He listened to the soft mumbling of a nearby conversation before jumping to the hissing burble of an employee pouring hot water. There was the clatter of silverware and muted laughing bef—

The pitchy sound of rubber soles scuffing along the hardwood floor prompted him to open his eyes in time to see Hide lowering himself into the chair across from Shirazu.

"Didn't mean to wake you from your nap," he laughed. He pushed a steaming cup in Shirazu's direction. "Maybe that will wake you up. Don't worry—it's on the house."

Shirazu peered down at the creamy brown liquid.

"I figured you probably liked a little bit of sugar and cream in your coffee. Hope you don't mind." Shirazu's nervous smile strengthened as he took a careful sip. "I personally can't stand bitter coffee, but it's what the customers seem to love the most."

_It's really good. I remember the first time Urie took us here. It tastes a lot like Sassan's coffee, but his is always too strong for me._

He took a deep breath before meeting Hide's warm gaze.

"Why did you say Sassan's birthday was coming up?"

"Isn't it though?"

Shirazu narrowed his eyes. "No, it isn't. His birthday isn't until April."

"Ahaha, maybe I got the dates crossed then?" Hide scratched at the side of his cheek. Shirazu dropped his gaze to Hide's chest.

"How did you even know Sassan's birthday though?"

"Hmm… Urie probably let it slip during one of our conversations."

_Yeah, right. He's about as talkative as a brick wall. Especially when it comes to confidential stuff._

Shirazu focused on the upper left cavity of Hide's chest, blocking out the hushed café sounds around him. Slowly his speedy heartbeats rose above the soft din.

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

It sounded like the heartbeat of a rabbit.

_There! I got him. His heart is going so fast. I bet he's lying right now._

"No, that isn't right. You're lying."

When he shifted his gaze back to Hide's face, he frowned at the unexpected expression.

 _It looks like he's thinking…but also that he got something right._ It gave Shirazu the chills wondering what that could be.

"So," Hide breathed, a ghostlike smile flickering across his lips. "You _are_ able to hear my heartbeats."

_Craaaap! Abort! Abort!_

Shirazu tittered nervously, distancing himself from the table with frantic hand waves. "Uh, what? That's— _ha ha_ —so…ridiculous."

"You don't have to worry. I already knew that you have enhanced hearing in the way that Urie has enhanced smell."

_Uh? He knows far too much about the Quinx squad. And why is he being so casual with me? He just told me enough to lock him up._

Shirazu settled back into his seat, though he kept his thighs braced in case he had to spring away at a moment's notice.

"I won't tell anyone, but I was curious if it sounded the same."

"If what sounded the same?"

Hide's gaze traveled across the room, landing on customers and empty chairs with a blind indifference. Shirazu wondered if Hide had hunches about _those_ people too.

"If my heart would sound the same as a ghoul's heart."

Shirazu swallowed thickly before adverting his gaze. He knew the answer. Once the higher ups in the CCG found out about his enhanced hearing, they immediately put him through a barrage of tests to "hear out" ghouls from humans. As far as he knew, Urie went through the same process. He wasn't sure what Urie told them, but Shirazu remembered persistently insisting that ghoul hearts sounded no different than human hearts.

 _No… I couldn't tell a difference. They all sounded the same. The white coats were so…_ disappointed _that I couldn't make their jobs easier._

It was hard to keep the bitterness out of his thought.

 _Besides, it's not like I could have turned people in for having suspicious heartbeats. That wouldn't be fair if they hadn't done anything wrong._ Shirazu's shoulders slumped as he recognized his traitorous thoughts.

_No, they're ghouls. That's their crime._

It was neither a damning nor a sarcastic statement, but rather a learned observation and a force-fed sense of duty. Sensing a dark destination for his thoughts, Shirazu decided to return to the present conversation. He didn't like how Hide was watching him, studying every flicker and facial tick.

"Uh, no. Not as far as I can tell."

Hide leaned back in his chair with a gusty sigh. The wooden seat squealed as he shifted his weight. Shirazu winced at the jarring sound.

"Well, that poses a pretty nasty question then, huh?" Hide's parted lips dropped into a firm slash.

"What?"

"If you kill a ghoul, then are you stopping a human heart as well? Could it be considered murder or is a sanctioned service of war?"

"I…" Shirazu dropped his gaze. "That is not factored into our objective." For once, he hated how professional he sounded.

"Yes, I think they put that in the training video." Hide uttered a humorless bark of laughter that caused the back of Shirazu's neck to prickle. "They rarely cared about the means on the way to their end." He sighed again, rubbing absently at a patch along his shoulder.

Shirazu hesitated before raising his eyes to meet Hide's distant stare. "You…you used to be part of the CCG?" He looked too young to be a bitter victim of the CCG's merciless expectations. Shirazu couldn't imagine him doing much more than pencil pushing.

"Only a lonely investigation assistant." Hide offered him a smile that felt far too faded to be genuine. "And I've found a different way to the end since then."

_So that's how he knows so much about us. He could have old contacts who were willing to leak information. I wonder if Urie figured it out…_

_I'm sure he didn't, otherwise he'd try to drag Hide back to the CCG for rewards and glory._

Shirazu suppressed a snort. It was a nervous tick, inappropriate for the somber moment. He settled for scratching at the taut skin along his thumb and forefinger before speaking.

"So you quit then."

"Sort of." Hide's mischievous grin returned only for a second, flitting across his features before disappearing within his coffee cup as he took another sip.

_Sort of?_

"What does 'sort of' mean?"

Hide shrugged. "I guess I wasn't a valuable enough tool for them to recover. I abandoned my post during a mission, but no one came to arrest me once it was all over. I left and that was the end of that."

"They like their new tools much better though," he added, sending Shirazu a pointed look. He stiffened at the insinuation, but forced himself to stay calm.

"My squad mates and I are not tools," Shirazu replied, low and terse.

"Huh?" Hide blinked, as if Shirazu's comment had caught him by surprise. "I wasn't talking about your team."

"Really?"

"No, I was talking about your squad leader. Sasaki."

Shirazu frowned, similarly thrown by the conversation's direction.

"Wha?" He struggled to figure out the difference between Sassan and their ragged little Quinx team. Why was Sassan a tool and he wasn't?

Instead of looking at him, Hide studied his empty coffee cup. With his spoon resting between his fingers, he pushed the murky remnants around the bottom in a lazy ring.

"Kan—er, Sasaki didn't have a choice. He was _made_ by the CCG. One of their new tools."

Shirazu paused, trying to figure out if he should be upset or not. It was hard to feel any intended malice from the stranger, yet his words were far too honest for Shirazu's comfort. He didn't know enough about Sassan to argue whether or not it was the truth.

"He didn't have a say on whether or not he wanted to be created. They just…did it."

Around and around, Hide sent the leftover grounds in a tighter circle. Shirazu watched, almost transfixed by the motion.

 _Urie did say that Hide knew more about Sassan than any other person. Who_ is _he?_

"But you," Hide dropped the spoon with a metallic clatter and fixed Shirazu with an indescribable stare. Shirazu instinctively leaned back, almost as if Hide were accusing him of a crime. "You _chose_ to work for the CCG. We both did. We gave up our right to choose, selling ourselves out for some _glorious_ reward."

An image of Haru, sobbing from the loneliness and the pain and the fear, flashed through Shirazu's mind. Yeah, he sold himself to the CCG, but he sure as hell didn't care if it would save his sister.

"Money? Glory? Power? I don't know—something."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Shirazu growled, daring Hide to push the point any further.

He was tired of playing the carefree role, laughing and grinning so the others could catch a break. He wasn't the only Quinx with a tragic backstory. As the leader, he couldn't let their pain overwhelm his team, so he started by burying his own first.

Still, he felt so _sick_ of pretending that Haru only existed during his weekly visits.

"I had my reasons for undergoing the surgery. Don't yo—"

Shirazu broke off as he caught a glimpse of Hide's troubled expression. Instead of looking triumphant or angry, he seemed sad with his lowered gaze and pressed lips. He fell silent and waited for Hide to continue with his thought.

"We aren't really tools then, so maybe puppets? And we chose which hand we wanted to be on?" A loud, unexpected bubble of laughter poured from Hide's lips. He ran his hand through his shaggy hair, shaking his head with a rueful upturn of his lips. "Wow, that was embarrassingly poetic. If only Kaneki could hear that load of crap. Let's both forget I said that."

Shirazu didn't know who Kaneki was, but he was starting to understand _why_ Urie had warned him about Hide. He shifted in his seat, wishing for the simplicity of his once black-and-white mission.

"Sorry about that." The smile slipped from Hide's face. "I think I'm still a bit bitter. The CCG turned my best friend into the enemy. They ordered me to _kill_ him if we came into contact."

_Was this the mission he mentioned? The one where he deserted the CCG?_

"I was supposed to help them kill people who I _knew_ were innocent. How many other innocent ghouls have they killed before me? How many have they killed with their new tools since I left?"

Shirazu's gut churned at Hide's searching stare.

_(I wanted to be beautiful.)_

Hide leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. "And what would happen if those tools ever broke?"

Shirazu cocked his head. He had had enough vague metaphors; he didn't know what Hide was trying to say.

"If they ordered you to, would you kill your superior? After all, you have to do what they say, right?"

"What?" Shirazu recoiled at the thought of killing Sassan. He thought back to Sasaki's gleaming red kakugan and the blood dripping from his kagune as he lost control. Sassan had been _terrifying,_ especially when Shirazu considered what their next order would have been.

_Would I have killed him?_

Could _I have done it?_

"I— _No!"_

"Even if it was a direct order?"

"No—stop!"

"Even if he was a dangerous ghoul?" Hide's questions were fast, relentless. Shirazu wanted him to stop his prodding and needling.

_"Shut up!"_

He leapt to his feet, the sudden movement causing his chair to tip back with a heavy _bang._ A few conversations in the tiny coffee shop halted mid-sentence. Shirazu exhaled through his nose, clenching and unclenching his fists.

Hide rose to meet his stare, watching Shirazu cautiously. He seemed as if he were waiting for something. The blank-faced waitress set her towel on the table, maneuvering around the counter in case she had to intervene.

 _I don't give a_ damn _about what he has to say anymore. Sassan isn't dangerous._

"You wouldn't kill him if he turned into a monster?"

"Sassan isn't a _monster!"_

Emphasized with the last word, Shirazu's fist slammed into Hide's cheek with a sharp _crack._ The blow sent him tumbling to the ground in a mess of chairs and shattered coffee cups. Shirazu lowered his stinging fist and stared down at the carnage with wide, unblinking eyes. An uneasy hush fell over the café.

In the silence, Shirazu could hear the rapid pounding of his heartbeat as it roared in his ears. He could hear the faint intake of breath as Hide stirred and the _click-clacking_ steps of the approaching waitress.

He spared a glance at the horrified faces around him before darting out of the coffee shop.

_(Who's the monster now, huh?)_

* * *

Shirazu wrenched the door open and promptly threw himself back into his couch cushion nest. Urie, who had heard the thud from halfway down the hall, wandered into the common area instead of fleeing to his room. He crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, watching Shirazu with a lifted eyebrow. As Shirazu uttered another muffled groan, Urie felt the corners of his lips twitch.

_Only one person is capable of causing that kind of groan._

Urie dropped his bored façade and settled into one of the bar stools. He supposed if they were going to overcome their mutual enemy, they had to team up.

"You didn't listen to me about Nagachika."

Shirazu poked his head up and wrinkled his nose. He was desperate for an ally, too desperate to be picky. He picked himself off the couch and moved to the seat across from Urie.

"I thought that I could outsmart him and get him to spill his guts about Sassan. It…didn't work."

Urie scoffed, rolling his eyes. _Been there, tried that._

"And how did you think you could accomplish _that?_ "

_(If I couldn't do it, that idiot sure as hell wouldn't be able to pull it off.)_

"Well…" Shirazu scratched at the side of his cheek. Urie narrowed his eyes at the familiar gesture, but he couldn't place it. "I kept asking him questions about Sassan and listened to his heartbeat. It sped up a couple times, so I know when he was lying."

Despite himself, Urie's curiosity was piqued. "What did he lie about?"

"Uhm…" Shirazu paused to sort through his conversation with Hide. There were parts he wanted to remember, but the embarrassing memories he wanted to forget kept popping in his mind instead. He sighed and rested his cheek in his palm, propped upon the counter. Using his other hand, he traced lazy circles with his forefinger.

"Not much. Once I called him a liar, he figured out I could hear his heartbeats." Shirazu broke off, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "He really does know a lot about us. He mentioned your sense of smell too."

Urie said nothing, thinking back to his trip to the sewers. Hide had used Urie's sense of smell to lure him further into Sasaki's murky history. It was hardly surprising that he would use that tactic again with Shirazu.

_(He must have had a reason.)_

"Did he say anything about the heartbeats then?"

Shirazu hesitated before nodded. "He wanted to know if ghoul hearts sounded like human hearts. I said they didn't—but then the conversation took a really weird turn." Shirazu continued to recount his earlier conversation with Hide, gradually slumping further in his seat. Urie watched, silent and impassive.

"And so then I hrmurmm..." Shirazu trailed off, mumbling into his sleeve.

_"What?"_

"I, uh, punched him in the face."

Urie's eyes widened as his lips parted. He had expected Nagachika to be infuriatingly unpredictable, but he never thought Shirazu could be just as volatile. He studied Shirazu's lowered eyes and red tinted ears, indicators of guilt or embarrassment.

_He's upset about punching Nagachika. It was probably an accident._

_(Accident, my ass. He probably deserved it.)_

Shirazu groaned again and buried his face in his folded arms. "I shouldn't have gotten angry, but he kept saying things about Sassan and I couldn't stop myself and even that hot waitress was mad at me." His words came out muffled and Urie struggled to keep up. After a moment of straining, Urie stopped bothering to try to make sense of everything; Shirazu was babbling about tools and puppets and stupid analogies.

"If you screwed up, apologize."

_(Hypocrite. You broke his ribs and didn't come back for a month.)_

Shirazu paused amidst his rambling and weighed Urie's advice. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you might be right." Urie shot him an unimpressed glare. "Yeah, yeah. I get it. I'll try to find him and apologize."

_But first, I have another apology to make._

_(I'm sorry for leaving you alone all the time. I'm sorry that I can't protect you like I used to.)_

He slid backwards off the chair and grabbed his jacket on the way out the door.

Urie watched him leave before reaching for the coffee grounds.

* * *

He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and exhaled in the crisp evening air. It couldn't have been later than six, but the late autumn sun had already set. As the sun's hazy afterburn along the horizon darkened, the overhead street lights flicked on, casting the abandoned park in an eerie glow. They buzzed like incessant insects, overwhelming the distant street noise several blocks away.

Shirazu hunched his shoulders, causing the warm fur-rimmed liner on his jacket hood to settle around his chilly neck. He hadn't been to this park in years, but after leaving the hospital, his feet had moved on their own accord. He didn't know how much of his apology his sister heard, much less understood, but at least he was able to get one thing off his chest.

He was about to turn back when he noticed a person perched on the top rung of the domed jungle gym. Shirazu's lips pulled into a wry frown as he considered the stranger. A street light cast half their body in shadows and half in light, but he still couldn't make out their identity apart from a flash of yellow.

_Damn. I can't tell who that is if they don't make a sound. It'd be easier if I could smell or see better like Urie and Mutsuki._

Despite his instincts urging him to leave, Shirazu took a step towards the person. He focused on their back, listening for their heartbeat. It was a calm, comfortable beat, almost familiar. Shirazu dismissed it with a frantic shake of his head.

_No way. All heartbeats sound the same. I'm psyching myself out. Still…it could be a hungry gh—_

The figure turned, as if noticing Shirazu for the first time. Shirazu shifted uncomfortably; he was stranded in the overhead beam of a nearby light, a much brighter target.

"Funny running into you here." It sounded as if they genuinely meant it.

Shirazu's shoulder's slackened before his gut tensed up with guilt. Maybe he did recognize that heartbeat after all.

_It's Hide._

He almost wished it _had_ been a hungry ghoul instead. At least then he wouldn't have to make such an awkward apology. The ghoul could do them both a favor by eating him.

"Uh, yeah. Listen, I wa—"

"Oop! Hold you for a sec? These old ears can't hear like yours can." Hide scrambled down from the jungle gym and approached Shirazu. Shirazu's lowered gaze gradually traveled up Hide before landing on the swollen discoloration along his left cheek. He winced at the deep purple rimming Hide's sunken, half-closed eye and the brownish-green tinge along his protruding cheekbone.

Hide caught his stare and laughed, his left hand hovering over the bruised eye. "Is it that bad? I probably should have covered it with an eyepatch or something."

"I didn't mean to hit you!" Shirazu blurted before he lost his courage.

Hide dropped his hand and offered Shirazu a soft smile.

"Hey, it's my fault. I shouldn't have said those things about your superior. It wasn't fair of me." Hide chuckled, closing both eyes at an almost fond memory. "I always thought Urie would be the one I had to look out for," he added, resting a tender hand over his ribcage.

Shirazu hesitantly smiled back, grateful that there seemed to be no open hostility between himself and Hide. He wasn't sure what to expect after dumping Hide so royally on his ass in the coffee shop. He was relieved he wouldn't have to return to apologize under the hot waitress's blistering glare; he didn't expect to run into Hide at the old playground, but it was a pleasant substitute.

_Speaking of which—_

"Wait, what were you doing here?"

Hide moved towards a bench and settled down with a content sigh. Shirazu trailed after him, but declined to sit, instead hovering only a few feet in front of the bench.

"Oh, I was thinking of an old friend. When we were kids, we used to come to this park late at light. No matter how early I would sneak out, he would always beat me here. Our earlier conversation has made me nostalgic like some old hen." Hide clucked, doing a rather poor imitation of a hen complete with arm waving. Shirazu watched him, amused at the thought.

_He's not that much older than me. I'd say he's close to Sassan's age._

"Besides, I could ask you the same question, Shirazu-kun."

Shirazu's shoulders drooped, the light mood gone. "Same answer as you, I guess. My sister and I used to come here before…before she got sick. I visited her today and well—she wasn't any better." Instead of sitting next to Hide, Shirazu dropped to the ground with his legs crossed. "I wish things could go back to the way they were before she got sick," he added softly.

"That's a fair wish," Hide agreed with a thoughtful nod of the head.

With his cheek propped on a balled fist, Shirazu picked at the sparse patches of grass around his ankles. He didn't know anything about Hide; only a few hours ago during their first genuine conversation, he had decked him for insulting Sassan. Urie obviously didn't trust him and Sassan didn't even _know_ him, despite what Hide seemed to think.

Hoping everything wouldn't backfire on him in the end, Shirazu decided to forgo his instincts and trust Hideyoshi Nagachika. It was obvious that he couldn't outwit him, so he went for the honest approach.

"My sister has a tumor from excessive RC cells," Shirazu started slowly, keeping his gaze fixed on the stalks of graze he was shredding. "They—they don't know how to fix it yet, but it takes a lot of money to keep most of the pain away. Our parents were…gone, so I agreed to participate in the Quinx surgery for more money."

"I _chose_ to be their tool so I could save my sister. I didn't particularly _want_ to kill ghouls, but it was the only way. I promised I would help her, no matter what."

"I'm sorry," Hide murmured. Shirazu glanced up. Despite the bruising and swelling, there was something genuine about Hide's gaze. Despite the chilly breeze nipping his exposed ears, Shirazu felt warm for the first time that evening.

"I joined the CCG to save someone else, but it wasn't because of the money. My best friend was involved in an accident. It was horrible and by the time he came back, he wasn't the same." Hide closed his eyes as he drifted back to the past. Shirazu shifted uncomfortably during the lengthy gaps; he felt a bit intimidated by the intimate confession.

"One day, he disappeared. I don't really know why and I don't really know where. The idiot probably thought he could protect me by ditching me." Hide chuckled with a rueful upturn of his lips. "Well, it didn't work because that just made me more determined to find him. The CCG seemed like the only place with answers, so I chose them."

"In the end, I think I found him again. Hopefully you have as much luck as I did."

They fell into an easy silence. Shirazu's mind was whirling as he considered their earlier conversations.

 _He mentioned his best friend again. Was he the "ghoul" they ordered him to kill?_ His gaze flicked to the deserted jungle gym. _Was he also the old friend he mentioned earlier?_

 _He_ thinks _he found him? What the hell does that even mean?_

"Shirazu-kun?"

"Huh?" He blinked, pulled back into the present by Hide's question.

"What's the difference between a ghoul and a human?"

_Is there a difference? Their heartbeats are the same. They're both alive in the same way._

_(I wanted to be beautiful.)_

_(I want to be beautiful, Nii-san! Don't I look pretty?)_

"I thought I used to know."

_And then I killed one who sounded like Haru._

"I'm not sure if I ever knew," Hide admitted after another lengthy pause. "Or maybe I never cared enough to make a distinction."

They lapsed back into a quiet thoughtfulness.

Shirazu considered his promise to his sister, struggling to smile as the RC tumor sucked away her life. He thought about the hidden monster, lurking in between his shoulder blades and waiting for the kill. Ghouls hunted humans, but he hunted ghouls. He thought about Sassan, forced to live on flesh, yet he would still pale at the sight of dismantled victims.

Was he human too or something trapped in the middle? Things were no longer black and white, but rather a smear of different grays.

Shirazu thought about Nutcracker, who only wanted to be human, and about his CCG superiors, who only wanted bloodshed.

 _No,_ he mused. _I don't think there's a difference after all. There are monsters and innocent people out there, but the RC levels aren't what determine it._

He suppressed a groan. His new epiphany would make future orders murky at best.

Hide seemed to sense his frustration. "The price of a conscience, huh?" He stood up, grunting as he rotated a stiff shoulder. "I should let you get going. I didn't mean to talk so long."

"I don't mind." Shirazu had a lot to think about and for once in his life, he didn't outright dread it. Maybe he could even rope Urie into offering an opinion or two.

Hide shuffled away a few steps before pausing and glancing over his shoulder.

"By the way, you never answered my question." Shirazu's eyebrows darted upwards as he climbed to his feet. He wondered _which_ enigmatic hypothetical Hide referenced.

"About your supervisor—Sasaki. If they ordered you to, would you kill him?"

Shirazu considered the question, finally understanding what Hide meant in the coffee shop.

"Sassan isn't a monster," he repeated his answer from earlier. The words were the same, but the reasoning behind them was of careful thought rather than blind rage.

Shirazu wasn't sure if it was the icy breeze or a trick of the light, but he could swear that Hide's eyes started to glisten.

"Thank you."

* * *

"I'm glad you suggested we go here again, Urie." Haise paused in the doorway, inhaling deeply with a pleased smile.

Urie shouldered his way into the coffee shop and tried to keep the same ridiculous expression off his face. "It wasn't my idea."

"I thought this would be a nice surprise," Shirazu spoke up, shuffling towards the front of the group. He led the tiny parade of frozen, exhausted agents through the shop. Urie flicked a glance towards their usual table, noting the missing chair with a suppressed snort.

_He wasn't kidding. He actually broke the furniture._

"Surprise? What's the occasion?" Haise blinked, wracking his brain for an explanation.

_He's probably wondering if he forgot someone's birthday._

_(He doesn't realize it's his own)_

"Uhh," Shirazu stalled, scratching at his cheek. Urie finally remembered where he had seen that nervous tick. "Oh, nothing really. We've been working a lot, especially 'cause of the holidays coming up." Shirazu shot Urie a knowing wink. Urie tried not to roll his eyes.

_Can he be any more obvious about it? He's as bad as Nagachika._

_Speak of the devil—_

"Hello! It's good to see you again!" Nagachika pulled up to their table, offering a blinding grin. The swelling under his eye had gone down, leaving a fractured yellow-green bruise across his cheekbone. Urie lifted an eyebrow; Nagachika looked horrifying.

Haise glanced up from the menu and froze. His wide eyes landed on Nagachika's injury, his lips parted in a startled frown. Mutsuki looked similarly shocked; Saiko didn't bother to tear her gaze from the dessert section.

Hide noticed their gawks and laughed. "Ahh, sorry about the fright. An unruly customer threw a fit two weeks ago. It's much better than it was." Over his shoulder, the short haired waitress— _Touka,_ Urie belatedly recalled—glared at their table.

"I hope everything is okay," Haise still sounded concerned. He was oblivious to Hide's wink and Urie's scowl.

"I think it will be now."

_They both suck at this._

Urie flicked his attention back to Shirazu, who had fallen uncharacteristically silent after they sat down. His brow twitched every so often, as if he were concentrating on something distant.

_(I wonder what he's listening to...)_

Shirazu smothered his grin in his hand to hide his private revelation.

The pair of heartbeats intermingled comfortably: Sassan's slow, calm pulse nicely complemented the quick, excited thrum from Hide's rabbit-heart. It sounded like such a natural combination, as if the two heartbeats had spent years in sync.

_(Pft. And Urie thought I couldn't do it.)_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
